Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
