Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize