I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
