ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
