Grow some girl-balls and come out already
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
