I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
