You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
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