Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Randomize
