shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
