shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
