even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Randomize
