Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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