i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
