I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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