It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
