my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
