Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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