god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize
