just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
