Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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