Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
