Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
