tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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