I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
