I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
