There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
