Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
People with herpes should wear stickers.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
