I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
