got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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