I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
