Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
