There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
