Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
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It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
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Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
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