Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
