He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
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Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
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God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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