you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
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nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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