Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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