woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
