My hand turned me down
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
