Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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