Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
