dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
i wish my penis had a tongue
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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