im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
