Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
