So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
