My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
