you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
