you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
