there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
