he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
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