i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
this hospital has no fireball
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
