My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Randomize
