I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
she pinky promised me she was 18
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
