Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
