yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
