Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
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