I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
After last night, I could never be a politician.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
So apparently I’m into choking now
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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